


Please save me before it’s too late

by OnceStayArDay



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Dancing, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Overworking, Rape Aftermath, Sad, Self-Harm, Sickfic, Starvation, voices
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-12 16:08:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 18,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28638285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnceStayArDay/pseuds/OnceStayArDay
Summary: Stray kids are working really hard for their mama performance that they’re having soon.Minho especially.He’s got a lot on his mind and is just very stressed.One day he loses his temper and gets in an argument with his members.From that day, Minho’s head went in a dark place.
Relationships: Lee Minho | Lee Know/Everyone
Comments: 76
Kudos: 209





	1. The argument

Minho woke up feeling terrible. He looked at the clock that showed 5:23 am. He had only slept for two hours because of everything that was going on inside his head.

Stray Kids was soon gonna perform on mama which meant that they had to work really hard the next weeks. Mama was only three weeks away so they were working almost nonstop.

He laid in the bed just starting at the roof for about 20 minutes before Changbin came in.

“Yah, get up Minho Hyung”, he said and threw the pillow that was laying on the bed in his hyung’s face and then left. Minho sighed and got out of the bed.

He got up the mirror that was hanging on his wall and ruffled his hair before going downstairs to the kitchen to eat.

Chan and Felix were the only people at the dining table when he got there. Hyunjin, Changbin and Jisung were playing around while Seungmin and Jeongin were sitting in the sofa watching tv.

Minho went to the kitchen counter and grabbed a banana. He wasn’t really that hungry. Not that he used te be more hungry.

Chan looked at Minho when he sat down. He noticed how tired Minho looked. 

“Good morning Hyung”, Felix said with a smile. No matter how bad the day was for Minho, Felix’s smile would always cheer him up a little.

Minho flashed him a smile and continued to eat the banana.

They all got ready and headed to the car. Minho was sitting all the way in the back and rubbed his temples. His head was banging and it was hurting.

Chan was sitting beside him in the car. He knew something was wrong. He would just always know when one of his members weren’t feeling well. He could just feel it.

He kept giving looking over to Minho, but got stopped when Jisung started talking to him.

_____________________________________________

They were now at the dance practice room. They were gonna perform their song “victory song” on mama this year, but not the original version. They had made a new version which they had to learn.

They had now been dancing for four hours. Everyone was really tired by now. Especially Minho. He honestly just wanted to go home and sleep, but instead he would push all the members to get up again and continue. 

“Jeongin”, Minho said and sighed. “Your still doing the arm move wrong”. This was the third time Minho had pointed out the same mistake. 

Jeongin dared to look into his Hyung’s eyes, but regretted it after seeing how disappointed he was.

“One more time!” Minho orders and everyone got into their position as the music started again. Jeongin was embarrassed. Everyone just want to go home, but he’s making them stay because he can’t do this ONE move.

They started again, but Minho was quick to notice that the boy was still doing the move wrong. 

He felt like he lost control. Like his brain and his body had stopped working together.

He turned of the music and stormed up to Jeongin. 

“OH MY GOD JEONGIN! HOW ARE YOU STILL MESSING THIS UP?” Everyone was shook over Minho’s outburst. They had not expected him to yell at their maknae over a stupid move.

Jeongin looked down at his feet. He’s eyes were starting to water up. Minho just looked at him darkly.

“H-Hyung I was j-just”, Jeongin started, but got cut of my Minho. 

“COME ON JEONGIN! THE MOVE ISNT EVEN THAT HARD! EVEN CHAN AND JISUNG CAN DO IT! WHY DO YOU NEED TO BRING THE TEAM DOWN?” Minho yelled, but before Jeongin could answer he had already left the room. Minho’s eyes had met Jisung’s and he could see the hurt in them.

Minho went to the building’s bathroom and locked the door. He pushed his back against the door and slided down it. He put his head in his hands and started to sob.

What had he done? 

His sobs got louder every minute and he was now full on crying. He didn’t mean anything of the things that he said. The words just came out of his mouth without thinking.

After about 20 minutes, he had calmed down. He went back to the practice room to see if the others were still here. No one was.

He packed his things up and went outside to the car. The others are probably waiting for him in the car.

No, they weren’t. The car was not even there. The other members had left him all alone to walk alone is this rainy and cold weather.

Minho was about to call Chan, but then remembered that Chan probably didn’t want anything to do with him right now.

So he started walking.


	2. Left out?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minho is sorry for hurting his members, but it’s like they won’t listen to him.
> 
> Minho is hurt and don’t know how co cope with his pain.
> 
> Or.. maybe he’s found a few ways

Minho had now walked all the way back to their dorm and was standing by the door. He had been walking for 20 minutes to get there and he was soaking wet and freezing.

He tried opening the door and luckily, it opened. The members probably left it open so h could get in.

He went inside and took of his shoes before walking in to the living room.

There he saw the members. They were all watching tv and laughing. It looked like they were having fun. 

Minho didn’t know why, but he felt his heart ache from seeing all of them having so much fun without him.

He looked at Jeongin and could tell that he had been crying earlier. His eyes were still red and puffy.

Chan stopped smiling when he saw Minho. Minho saw the rage in his Hyung’s eyes and looked away.

“Your making the floor wet, Minho”, he said before turning away from him and got back to watching tv.

There were no ‘hello’ or ‘are you ok?’. It seemed like they didn’t want him there. Like they were having a really good time until he came.

Minho just nodded before going up the stair to get tho his and Chan’s room. The members shared rooms and Minho had been paired with Chan.

When he got inside the room, he closed the door and locked it before tears started to run down his cheeks.

He went straight to the bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror. He looked absolutely terrible. 

His eyes were all puffy and he started wondering. Did the members really not notice that he had been crying? Or maybe they just ignored it because they hate him.

He took of his clothes and went into the shower. The warm water feel relieving on his skin. 

After he was done showering, he put on som comfy clothes. He didn’t want to get sick. 

He laid down on his bed and took out his phone. He opened Twitter and started to scroll. After some scrolling, be found a tweet that really stood out to him.

‘@straykidzhairband1763 - Why is Minho’s personally so bad? He’s just mad all the time and he’s just bringing his group down! #minholeavestraykids ‘

Minho felt hurt by the message. He had never been the type of person to show feelings, but the more he thought about it, the more he realized that the fan was right.

He just hurt Jeongin, Jisung and Chan in just one day for no reason. He was just a mean person and didn’t deserve to be in the group. 

He didn’t even notice that he was crying until he saw a tear drip down on his phone. 

He went in on the hashtag that the ‘fan’ had commented and started reading more tweets.

‘@skzlamaboyfan13 - Minho is just a burden to everyone. He’s not even that good at dancing to be honest #minholeavestraykids’

‘@ilovestraykids63 - Minho need to lose weight!!! He’s fatter than the elephant I saw in the zoo yesterday ahahahahaha! I get embarrassed every time I see him standing beside Hyunjin #minholeavestraykids’

‘@squirrelboytch - Minho, please just go kill yourself :D we don’t need you here #minholeavestraykids’

Minho was crying even more now. Was all this true? Was he really that much of a burden? Was he that fat? Should he just die? 

Minho went up from his bed and went back to look at himself in the mirror. It was true. He really was fat. His cheeks were chubby and his body looked round. How did he not notice this when he checked himself this morning?

‘Minho’

What was that?

‘You know they’re right about everything’

“W-who are you”, Minho asked quietly. He was scared.

‘I’m here to help you realize how you really are’ the voice got louder and Minho tried to hold over his ears, but it didn’t work.

‘You can’t get rid of me, Minho’ 

Minho slided down the wall and started crying again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woooah thank you for reading another chapter :D
> 
> I’ve actually got inspiration to write so.. YEA 😌
> 
> I know it’s not so long, but I promise that the next one will be longer!!


	3. Ignored

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanna clear that when a line is said in ‘this’, it’s Minho’s thoughts. I didn’t change it on the other chapter, but you’ll understand :)
> 
> The voices inside Minho’s head is writing in cursive :)

Minho woke up feeling even worse then he did yesterday. He was tired, his head was hurting and his throat was killing him. 

Really? He really had to get sick the week he needed to work the most? He kinda knew from the day before that he was going to get sick, but he didn’t think it was going to be this bad.

He took up his phone while still being in bed and checked the clock. It was 03:40.

‘Fuck, really?’ he thought to himself before putting his phone away. He wanted to sleep more, but his body refused him to do so.

His whole body was hurting and he knew he wasn’t going to get any better by just laying there, so he stood up and walked to the kitchen.

His whole body was shaking and he started to feel nauseous after walking, so he sat down on a chair that was placed in the kitchen.

After waiting for a minute, be got up again and walked over to the cabinet and took out some painkillers.

He took a glass and filled it with water and then swallowing the painkiller while drinking his water up.

No one else in the dorm was awake. They all used to sleep like rocks when they were first asleep.

Especially Changbin. He was terrible to wake up. He would always refuse to wake up no matter how much the members was trying.

Jisung was probably the person who slept the lightest. He would wake up after hearing Changbin wake up from the other room beside them.

No one woke up this time. He was alone in the quiet kitchen. 

After a little while he was ready to go back to bed, but before he was able to get there, he suddenly got this urge to throw up.

He sprinted over to the bathroom, got on his knees and leaned over the toilet. He started puking his guts out. His throat was burning.

His eyes were watering up and were threatening to fall from his eyes.

After throwing up for like forever he flushed the toilet and got back to bed. His body was all sweaty, but he didn’t have the power in his body to change.

He was still very surprised that Chan hadn’t woken up yet. He laid down on the bed and tried to fall asleep, but he couldn’t. He knew that they were going to work really hard that day, so he knew he HAD to sleep.

Then he remembered. Chan’s sleeping pills.

Chan always had a hard time sleeping. He would rather be in his studio working, but the members would always try to get him in bed. Sleeping pills were the only thing that helped him sleep. Without it, he would never get any.

Chan has had insomnia for years and it’s still going strong. That’s why he takes his pills.

Minho went to the bathroom and took out a pill. It wouldn’t hurt to take one, right? Chan would never notice! Right? 

He swallowed the pill and went back to bed. He started getting sleepier the longer he laid there. Not long after, he fell asleep. _____________________________________________ “Minho! Why are you still not awake?!” Minho woke up to Chan yelling at him.

His head was still hurting and the shouting certainly didn’t help. When Chan saw that Minho started to wake up, he slammed the door went back downstairs leaving Minho alone.

Minho was able to get out of bed somehow and went to the bathroom.

His body was so tired and he felt nauseous every time he stood up.

He sat down at the little stool that was in the bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror.

He was pale and looked like a mess. He had big bags under his eyes and his eyes were still red from all the crying.

’I look terrible today’ he thought to himself.

_Thats probably the reason Chan just left you in the room_

There it was again. The voice he had heard earlier.   
  


_He left you because he is mad at you! You were a terrible friend yesterday, but when are you not?_

‘I know, I know’ he thought. Did he really mess up bad? Did Chan hate him now?

He wasn’t feeling well and knew that practice today was gonna be terrible, but he had to go. They all needed him now.   
  


It was just two weeks left and they couldn’t afford someone being sick.

Minho tried not to think too much about it and went downstairs. All the members were sitting around the table.

Everyone looked at him when he walked in. Did he do something wrong? Everyone knew that what happened yesterday was just a mistake, right? He never intended to hurt them.

He was brought out of his thoughts when Changbin spoke up. “Minho Hyung, we have to leave soon! Hurry up!” Changbin said in a bitter tone.   
  


Minho really didn’t feel hungry and he knew that if he ate, he would probably have to throw up again.

”Uhh.. I’m actually not hungry right now”, he answered Changbin.   
  


everyone looked at him suspiciously. “But you didn’t even eat before going to bed and we had dinner at five!” Jeongin exclaimed.

’Minho, hurry up and think of something’

”oh.. no I actually ate some cornflakes after you all went to bed!”.

He knew that the members probably didn’t believe him, but they just let it go.   
  


_You know why they just let it go?_

’No, why’

_Because they don’t care about you._

’T-that’s not true!’ 

_Don’t you get it? No one cares about you Minho! You’re just a waste of space and you absolutely don’t deserve to be in this group’_

Minho felt his heart ache at what the voice told him, but the next thing it said hurt him the most.

_YOU’RE BRINGING THEM DOWN_

Was it true? Was he really bringing the group down?   
  


he felt a tear slip down and ran up to the bathroom again, not noticing that the members were on their way out to the car.

He calmed down after five minutes and walked downstairs again. There he was met with no one.

He walked outside and saw that the car was gone.

_____________________________________  
  


WHITH THE OTHER BOYS

They had “all” gotten into the car and were now on their way to dance practice. All of them were sitting in the same car, so it was hard to tell that someone was missing.

When they were finally there, they all went out and walked into the practice room.

”Where is Minho?” Hyunjin asked and everyone looked around. Minho wasn’t with them.

”Did anyone see Minho in the car?” Chan asked and looked at each member. Everyone shakes their head.

Chan took up his phone and called Minho.   
  


____________________________________

THE CALL (Minho normal and Chan **fat** writing

“Hello?”

 **”Minho where on earth are you?”** Chan was pretty annoyed and you could hear it in his voice.

”Y-you guys just left.. when I was in the bathroom”

**”Please, I don’t want to hear it right now. I’m gonna call the manager and he can come pick you up”**

”Okay, but when will he c-“ Minho wasn’t able to finish because Chan hung up.

_END OF CALL  
  
_

_______________________________________  
  


Chan called the manager and he agreed to pick up Minho. The boys sat down in a circle and started talking.

”What happened to Minho?” Seungmin asked out of nowhere after a while.

”Yea, he’s been acting like a jerk lately and I’m sick of it”, Jisung answered and they all agreed.

”He really think that he is the boss here haha! He thinks he’s the oldest, but he’s acting the youngest”, Chan followed after and they all started laughing.

No one had any idea that Minho was actually standing outside the door listening to all the things they were saying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eyyy I finally updated :D *insert party music*
> 
> AND I EVEN KEPT MY PROMISE! This chapter is longer!!
> 
> Sorry if I don’t post very often, but I have this “thing” called school 😭✌️


	4. Do I deserve to be here?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dance practice continues.  
> How are the members going to react to Minho now? Have they forgiven him? Or are they scared?
> 
> CURSIVE = the voice in Minho’s head.  
> ‘With these things’ = Minho’s own thoughts

Minho walked into the dance room quietly. Everyone’s eyes was at him. They were still sitting in a circle, but they all got up when they saw him.

He came all the way into the room and looked down. He was feeling really bad for being late. They all had to wait for him just because that he needed to go to the bathroom.

_I hope you know that this is all your fault, Minho_

_It’s your fault for making everyone wait. Now they all have less time to practice._

Minho was lost in his own thoughts until Chan broke the silence.

”Now that we are finally everyone-”, he said and gave Minho a stern look. “Can we finally start?”

Minho was too scared to face Chan again and just nodded before finding his spot. The members rolled their eyes at how **innocent** he was **acting**.   
  
_____________________________________  
  
Minho was feeling terrible. He’s body was really tired, his throat was hurting and his head was killing him. He didn’t tell any of the members because he really couldn’t be a burden right now.   
  


Everything else was gone great. No one had messed up or anything, well, until now.

Jisung was going to to a jump, but fell and landed on his bum bum. The fall wasn’t bad and it didn’t look like it hurt, but Jisung looked terrified.

Changbin and Jeongin went up to him and made sure he was ok. He got up quickly and turned to Minho.

Minho walked up to him, but when he tried to put his hand on Jisung’s shoulder, the boy flinched and stepped back.   
  
  


“P-please don’t hurt me”

Minho started tearing up. Did Jisung think he was gonna hit him? He would NEVER do that!  
  


Minho always seemed like a mean person, but he was actually really soft. He grew up in a pretty bad household, so he wasn’t used to showing his feelings. 

—————————

His mother used to fat shame him and call him terrible things because he didn’t grow up the way she had hoped. She wanted her son to grow up being popular and marry a beautiful girl, but he wanted to be an idol. It didn’t get better when he came out as bisexual.   
  


Both his mother and father were extremely homophobic and never supported his dream of becoming an idol.   
  


his father had always been the worst. He would go out and drink every day and come back to the house drunk. Minho would get hit by him almost every day and never told anyone about it. He hadn’t even told his members about it. They just thought he was born with a mouth like that.  
  


he hadn’t talked to his parents after they debuted.   
  


—————————

“J-Jisung?” Minho asked with a raspy voice and stuttering. He was now crying.   
  
He almost never cried in front of his members unless it was something really bad, but no one seemed to ask or care this time.

Jisung was crying too and went over to Chan. Chan hugged the boy tightly and looked over to Minho.

Minho felt like he was going to pass out any minute now. He knew she should have said something about him being sick.   
  


Everyone was standing around Jisung, trying to comfort him. No one went up to Minho. Not even Chan.  
  


_You didn’t expect them to come to you, right? Jisung means so much more to them. You’re just in the way for their happiness._

Minho just shook his thoughts away.

”I-I would never hit you Jisu-“, we was interrupted by Hyunjin. “Minho, please just go”.

“But I-I just-“

”Minho” Chan warned. “Go”

Minho was scared to see what would happen if he refused, so he quietly took his stuff and walked out of the room. He stopped a minute and turned around to take a look at them, but they were all busy trying to cheer up Jisung.

_wow, good job Minho. This is the second day in a row that you get kicked out of dance practice._

’Yesterday I left by myself. I didn’t get kicked out’

_but you know know that they wanted you out. They hate you. You’re not worthy enough._

He stood there. No one could see him from there. No one could see how missable he looked.

_____________________________________  
  


IN THE ROOM

”You good Jisung?” Seungmin asked and rubbed Jisung’s back.   
  


Jisung was a very sensitive person and would cry easily. He knew that Minho didn’t mean it, but to be honest, he was kinda scared of him.

Minho had never screamed at anyone like that before and it really scared him.  
  


Chan was more angry than scared. He was angry at Minho for behaving so bad towards the members

”y-yea, I’m fine”

”Minho is really getting on my nerves lately” Chan said and put his hands in a cross.

”He’s always acting so innocent! He acts like he’s done nothing wrong!” Changbin said loudly.

”Did you see how bad he was today? He wasn’t powerful at all. It’s like he doesn’t care”

”Yea! He’s never acting like this”

”Hmm... I don’t know, but I can’t even look at him right now. He hasn’t even apologized to Felix for yelling at him!”

_____________________________________  
  


BACK TO MINHO

Minho was shook. Is that what the members thought about him?   
  


‘Am I really that terrible?’

_Yea you are. You’re just hurting them. You’re ruining their image!_

‘NO! T-they appreciate me! Chan told me that they love me.. that Stray Kids wouldn’t be the same without me..’

_Don’t you realize? THEYRE JUST TRYING TO BE NICE.  
_

‘w-what?’

_Those comments were right about you. You’re not a good dancer. You’re too fat. You should hurt yourself. You Deserve To DIE_

Minho ran out to the car and waited. They all had to leave together, so he had to wait until the others were ready to come back.

After twenty minutes of waiting, the members came. They went into the car without even looking at him. 

He turned around and turned to the window. A tear fell down his cheek again, but no one noticed it.

When they got home, Minho ran up to his room and locked himself in the bathroom. He fell to his knees and broke down. He was sobbing uncontrollably.

The words he heard earlier was stuck in his head. _You should hurt yourself._ Should he?

He looked over to the cabinet and took out the razor. He knew he shouldn’t do this. This was also a secret he had hid from his members. He used to hurt himself before. Back when he lived with his parents.   
He had now been clean for almost three years. He never cut his wrists because it would be suspicious to always wear long sleeves later, but his hips were full of scars. That’s why he never showered with his members.

This time it was different. He rolled up his sleeves and put the razor on his arm.

_Now cut. Cut it deep! Cut many! Come on! What are you waiting for?_

His head was full of thoughts and he felt like screaming.

Thats when he came back to his senses. He threw the razor away and rolled down his sleeves again. 

Was he really about to do it? He had promised himself to stop. He couldn’t let himself break again.

He leaned at the door and held his knees.

His head was pounding and it felt like it was going to explode.

_You coward_

Was the last thing he heard before he passed out due to the tiredness. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eyyy I posted!  
> I know I said I would try to post at least once in the week, but I’ve just been very busy lately.  
> School is just 😩 you know?  
> But here you go :)  
> I’m having like an “exam” next week, so I’ll probably not post. I might post next weekend if I have time 😚


	5. Tired

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s been a week and Minho has not eaten. They’re practice is becoming too much for him and all he wants to do is just break down.
> 
> He feels worse every day and depression is taking over him.
> 
> No one seems to notice anything yet either.
> 
> _______________________________________
> 
> This chapter is a little shorter, but I promise to make longer ones later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m just gonna let you guys know that I’m going to write another fanfic about Stray Kids as well.  
> I will continue posting on this story, but I will make another one as well 😙  
> I’m going to post at normal times! There will not be any differences :)

A week had passed now, but it felt like months for Minho. He had not been eating anything and he was working way too much.

He knew his body really needed a break, but he just couldn’t. He felt like he needed to get everything perfect and prove to his members that he was actually good. Even though they didn’t think so.

He was now in the dance studio with the others. They had all learned the dance by now so they were pretty confident.

Minho had been pretty distant from his members lately. Not that they wanted to talk to him either, but Minho was feeling kind of hurt. He wanted them to come up to him, ask him if he’s doing fine, give him a hug and tell him that everything was going to be fine.

He wasn’t really a fan of hugs and skinship, but he really needed it right now. He wanted to just break down in someone’s arms and cry.

Minho was drifting away in his own thoughts when Chan spoke up.

”Okay, we can all go home now. I talked to our manager and we’re free to go”

Everyone went up and packed their stuff. Well, everyone except Minho. Chan noticed that Minho wasn’t moving to pick up his things and went up to him. 

Minho looked him in the eyes when he came closer. He was looking for anger or disappointment in his eyes, but there wasn’t any.

“Hey, aren’t you gonna come?” Chan asked and put his hand on Minho’s shoulder, rubbing the shoulder softly. 

_Do you really wanna go? Sit in the car with people that hate you? Do you wanna go to the dorm where you will be surrounded by them?_

Minho shrugged his thoughts away before he answered Chan.

”uh.. no, I’m gonna stay here a little longer. I’m still struggling with something”

it was a lie. Minho knew the dance fully and he wasn’t struggling, but he needed to make up an excuse.

Chan raised a brow at him, but let it go.   
It was pretty obvious that Chan knew he was lying, but Minho was very thankful for Chan letting it pass.

”okay, but don’t stay too long. We have a big day tomorrow too and we can’t have you getting overworked”

Minho just nodded and watched as Chan left the room. He went up the couch that they had in the studio and sat down.

He didn’t know why, but he felt his eyes suddenly tear up, stinging as he tried to hold them in.

_You crybaby_

Minho felt his body tense up when the voice came. He certainly didn’t need to hear all the shit that he was about to come.

_Are you seriously gonna cry now? You have nothing to cry over, nothing._

”leave me alone..” he whispered softly, lowering his head.

_What are you even doing right now? Huh? Sitting down when you should be dancing? And you wonder why people say you’re lazy?_

”I- I just a b-break”

The reason why Minho decided to stay at the studio wasn’t because he needed to practice more. He wanted to stay so he could have some time alone. Without feeling this fear. He wasn’t scared of his members, but he was scared of what he was going to do. He had been struggling a lot lately and he didn’t want to take his anger out on them again.

_Coward. You can’t even stay with your member huh? They’re supposed to be your brothers and you’re just ignoring them and ruining everything._

_”_ P-please just stop” 

_Why? You deserve to know this. You deserve to know how bad of a person you are. How selfish you are. And don’t even get me starting on how you look! I’m sure even your mirror is scared of you._

Minho was sobbing by now. He was tired and really didn’t want to hear this, but he was too weak to fight it.

He walked up to the mirror and took at look at himself. He looked like shit. He was pale, he had bags under his eyes and straight up looked dead.

he had lost a lot of weight as well. He had lost about 5 kg in a week, but he still didn’t think it was enough. He still looked just as fat as he was earlier. All of the members were on a diet now as well, so it was a good time to lose a lot of weight. It’s not like anyone would notice it now.

Hw was thankful for not having his cold anymore, but he was still feeling like shit. His body was weak. Not from being sick this time, but from not eating. 

_You see this? You’re still just as fat as you’ve always been. I’m sure the other members are ashamed of having such a pig in their group._

That’s where his body had enough. He fell down to the floor screaming.

”PLEASE JUST LET ME BE ALONE!”

His body was shaking and his tears were flowing out.

Just then, someone walked in. He didn’t think anyone else was in the building, but he was wrong. Next he heard a female voice talking.

“Minho-ah”

Minho wiped his tears fast and turned his head around to look at the person. 

“M-Momo?”


	6. I don't need help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Minho finally breaks....
> 
> THIS CHAPTER INCLUDES SELF HARM!!!!!

"M-Momo?"

Momo saw Minho sitting on the cold floor in the dance room. The whole room was pretty cold, but the mirrors were foggy after all the dance they had done earlier. 

"Hey, are you ok?" she said and walked over to Minho. 

He was still on the ground and it didn't look like he was planning to get up right now. He was panting hard and Momo got more and more worried the closer he got to him. 

He didn't answer her question and layed down. "I'm ok, Momo" he assured her and sighted. "There is just so much stress lately and I'm really tired". Stray Kids and Twice had not been in a lot of contact lately because both groups had upcoming performances and shows that they had to prepare for.

Momo walked all they way up to Minho and sat down beside him. "You know you can talk to us if something is bothering you, right?"

Minho was still a little shaky and he didn't trust his voice to be stable enough to talk, so he just nodded to Momo's words. She got up and walked out of the door. She looked back once more before walking out and into the room where Twice was.

When the door shut, Minho walked back to the couch and layed down there. 

_What are you gonna do now, huh? sleep? You're not going to sleep. You hear that? If you're gonna go to sleep, then you're going to sleep for lifetime._

"W-What?" He didn't care that he was talking out loud anymore. No one was here, so no one could hear him anyways.

_It's not that hard. Just take some pills and all your suffering will be over._

Minho's head shot up at those words and he sat up. 

'N-no I could never! My suffering might be over, but I'll cause the others a lot of suffering! Stay will also get hurt", he thought over what he said and then remembered all the comments that he read about himself online. "A-atleast.. some stays.. I guess", he said and lowered his head again as he felt his eyes fill up with tears.

_I'm sure stays would get hurt and sad if something happened to the other members, but you? Nooo! If you even think that they like you, then yiu're just straight up stupid, bt you already know that right?_

"I'm not s-stupid"

_You're even stupid for not realizing that you are"_

Tears were now streaming down his face again for the, he didn't even know how many, times. 

After he had relaxed for some time and calmed down completely, he decided to call Chan. Even though he didn't want to go home, he didn't want to worry the others. 

He picked up the phone from the table and dilated in the number. He waited for Chan to pick up, but he didn't. Minho was just about to hang up, when he heard a voice from the other line.

"Hello?"

"Can you pick me up, Chan?"

"Minho? Of course I can. I'll be there in ten"

"Ok.."

Minho hung up and went over to pack his bag. He almost faintet when he leaned down to open the bag, but he was able to stay up. His body was ready for bed, but his mind wasn't. 

After circa 10 min, Chan walked into the dance room. When Minho saw him, he took his bag and went out the door where Chan stood. They walked toghether out to the car. Chan sat in the driver's seat and Minho sat in the passenger's seat. 

They didn't really talk becuase Chan could see how tired Minho was.

Minho took up his phone and scrolled trough his privat, but secret, instagram account when he came across a new post on their official account. It was a photo of all of them except Minho. They probably took the photo earlier when Minho wasn't there.

_You see how good they would look without you? They're better off without you._

Minho felt tears starting to build up in his eyes again, so he closed his phone and looked out the window to hide himself from Chan. He was the second oldest, so he didn't want anyone to see his weak side. Especially not Chan, their leader. 

Chan noticed it and put his hand that was not on the steering wheel and put it on Minho's thigh, softly rubbing it.

Even though Minho didn't show his feelings a lot, Chan knew when he wasn't feeling well. He knew that they had all been a little harsh on him and he felt really guilty. It wasn't his idea to do this and give him a silent treatment, but he still agreed to it. Why? He didn't know.

Minho's body tensed up when he felt the hand on his thigh, but he calmed down quickly and meltet into his touch. 

Chan had his hand on Minho's thigh for the rest of the ride until they got back to the dorm. They both went out and walked into the dorm. It was about 10 am when they got home. The others were in their rooms so it was just Chan and Minho here now. There was a long silence between the guys. Awkward silence. 

"You should probably go take a shower.." Chan said and scratched his neck.

"Yea.. I probably should" Minho said before he left and went up to the bathroom. 

_Everyone is awkward around you, Minho. Like I've said earlier, they're ashamed of you. Let them go. Let them finally be free as a family! You don't deserve those beautiful and amazing people._

"I-I know.. you don't have to tell me so many times.. I know I'm not worthy enough" Minho whispered in a sad tone. 

_Og really? I don't think you know it. Prove it._

"W-what?" he stuttered and his eyes went wide.

_Do what I told you to do earlier. Take the razor and cut yourself._

"No.. I c-can't.. I've been clean now for almost 3 years"

_You think I care? Well I don't. DO IT!_

It's not that Minho didn't want to do it, he was just scared because he lived with his members. 

His hips were already full of scars and no one had noticed. But he was scared that now, when he lived with the others, they would notice. 

Honestly, he didn't really care. He needed the pain. He needed to relieve his stress and pain somehow. 

So he did it. 

The door was locked, so he took up his razor, took off his clothes and went into the shower. He wasn't planning on cutting deep, but he didn't take the chance of getting blood on the floor or carpet.

He put the razor on his hip and dragged it down. It was a burning sensation, but nothing he couldn't handle. The pain actually felt quite good. So he continued cutting.

2 times

3 times

4 times

He went up to seven times before he rinsed the razor and put it back in the closet. 

his hip was bleeding and throbbing. 

He went up and took a bandage from the closet as well. They had bandages there just in case someone got hurt. 

That's when he started to panic a little. 

He just broke the promise he had made himself. He promised himself to never hurt himself like this again, but he had broken it now after 3 years. 

He was able to calm down, so he put his clothes on again and left the bathroom.

The bed looked so nice and he actually felt a little tired for the first time in days. 

Chan was already asleep in the other bed in the room. Their beds were pretty close because Chan would sometimes struggle to sleep, so he would come into Minho's bed and hold him. Minho wasn't the biggest fan of cuddling, but he really enjoyed Chan's hugs. 

Minho went up to his bed and layed carefully down, so he wouldn't hurt his hip.

He fell alseep having no idea of what would happen the next day. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I UPDATED! I EVEN WROTE THIS IN CLASS GUYS!


	7. Breakdown? (7)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The other members start to notice that something is wrong.
> 
> Chan steps up and tries to confront Minho.
> 
> Did he take it too far?

Minho woke up the next day by an alarm. He heard Chan wake up and turn the alarm off. Chan usually woke up earlier than the others, so Minho knew he didn't have to get up from the bed yet. He felt almost just as tired as he was before going to bed which confused him, but he couldn't care less now.

When he heard Chan leave the room, he picked up his phone from beside the bed and checked the time. It was 4:00 am. Why was he so tired?

It was Saturday today, so they had a day free. 

He tried turning around, but he landed right on his injured hip. He let out a hiss and turned back. 

_It's just a few scratches, stop overreacting._

It was too early for Minho to deal with this, so he just closed his eyes again, hoping he could fall back alseep. He didn't. His mind didn't want him to sleep, but his body was tired. 

He gave up and got up. He didn't go to the mirror to check himself today because he knew he wouldn't look better than the day before. He knew he was still as **ugly** as always. 

He went downstairs and saw Chan in the kitchen. Minho didn't want to disturb him or make his morning bad by talking to him, so he just sat down on the couch in the living room.

_Good choice. Stay away from Chan. He wouldn't want to talk to you anyways._

He felt his heart ache at that, but he let his thoughts go. 

Chan must have noticed Minho coming down, because he walked up to Minho and sat down beside him. 

"Why are you up already, Minho?" He asked and Minho looked up and into Chan's eyes. 

"I woke up by your alarm and couldn't sleep again", he admitted. 

"ooh, I'm sorry for waking you up"

_Look what you have done, Minho. Now Chan is feeling bad._

Minho quickly assured him that it was ok. "No No, it's ok! I wanted to wake up a little earlier anyways..", he lied. 

_Chan wouldn't know if you lie anyways becuause they don't care about you._

Minho tried hard not to break down right there and Chan noticed that something was wrong. He saw no emotion is Minho's eyes and it made him worry. He took Minho's hand and rubbed his thumb softly. Even though they hadn't spend a lot of time with him, Chan and the others really cared about Minho. 

"Hey.. Are you sure you're ok?" Minho could hear the worry in his hyung's voice and it made him feel even worse. He shouldn't make them worry about him! He just nodded his head and gave Chan a smile. A fake smile. But again, he wouldn't notice.

"Ok.. If you say so..", Chan knew something wasn't right, but he decided to let it go. "Well, if you're awake, let's eat together!" Chan grinned while saying that, but Minho's smile fell. 

Just the thought of eating made him nauseous. He still hadn't eaten, but somehow, he wasn't hungry. He would always come up with an excuse not to eat. Not all of his excuses were very believable, but the members would always believe him.

"O-oh, no I'm not very hungry right now"

Chan's smile fell as well. "That's fine" he said before walking away to the kitchen again.

_Good job, Minho. You can't do anything right, can you? you just have to make everyone else sad. You need to stop playing the victim. Not everything is about you._

Minho was still sitting on the couch, alone, when the other members came down. First came Jisung. He was always so energetic in the morning. Minho never understood how he could he like that in the morning. Mornings were the most shitty part of the day. 

Next came Seungmin. Seungmin was a very quiet person, but he was even more quiet in the mornings. He was always wearing his glasses in the morning which made him look so cute. Minho and Seungmin were known for being a "divorced couple", but they were actually very close.

Hyunjin and Changbin came down together. They were already bickering when they came down. Minho couldn't really hear what they were arguing about, but that wasn't so important anyways.

Jeongin and Felix always slept a little longer than others. They were harder to wake up. 

Minho decided to do something instead of just sitting there, so he went upstairs to check on the two sleeping boys. 

He smiled a little when he walked into their room. Jeongin and Felix was cuddling each other in Jeongin's bed. 

Felix had a habbit of climbing into others bed at night because he found it hard to sleep whitout being held in someone else's arms. 

Minho felt himself soften at the sight. He couldn't remember the last time he got a comforting hug or cuddle. No, he wasn't the biggest fan of getting cuddles, but they were nice sometimes. He missed getting cuddles from Chan after they went to bed, and the cuddles he would get from Jisung when they were watching movies.

He let out a sigh before walking downstairs again. 

The other members had just finished making breakfast and Hyunjin went upstairs to wake up the others.

When everyone was up, they all sat by the kitchen table. Well everyone, except Minho. He had gone back to the couch.

_If you sit at the table, they will find out that you're not eating. So stay._

Chan noticed that Minho was sitting by himself at the couch. "Are you coming, Minho?", he asked and everyone looked at him. 

He hated it when all the attention turned to him. It made him uncomfortable. 

"umm.. no, it's ok, I'm not very hungry", he answered, hoping they would turn their heads away from him. They didn't.

"Come on, Minho! I don't even remember the last time I saw you eating with us!" Jisung wined.

That's when it hit some of other members. 

"You are eating, right?" Seungmin asked and the room turned silent. 

Minho was very uncomfortable. He wanted to talk, but no sound came out of his mouth. After a few seconds, he broke the silence.

"Yea, of course I am"

The maknaes turned their heads away and started talking again. At least he was able to convince them. 

Changbin and Chan was still looking at him suspiciously. Minho didn't know why, but they always seemed to know if something was wrong.

"Minho, please come and eat something", Changbin said ans patted the chair next to him.

Minho was doomed. He couldn't say no, then they would know.

He walked up Changbin and sat down at the chair beside him.

 _Coward_. 

Chan took a pancake and put in on the plate in front of Minho. "Now eat this"

Minho felt like he was going to puke just by the smell. No, the pancakes didn't smell bad, but Minho really couldn't eat it.

Chan and Changbin kept an eye on Minho while he was starring at the pancake.

"Why aren't you eating?" Chan asked and tried to lift Minho's chin, so he could meet his eyes. 

Minho smacked Chan's hand away. He didn't want to seeme rude, but he was just very uncomfortable. 

Chan flinched a little and pulled his hand away.

The other members were now looking at them. 

_Why are you making such a scene? They're just trying to have a nice breakfast, but you're ruining it!_

Chan seemed to have enough now. He raised his voice at him this time. "WHY ARE YOU ACTING LIKE THIS?", he yelled and Minho flinched and looked down. He was ashamed of himself.

"Chan, calm dow-", Changbin started, but got cut off by Chan.

"NO DON'T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN! I've had enough! I'm just trying to help you! Why can't you just let me in?!"

Chan didn't yell at the others a lot, so everyone was a little scared and worried.

Minho was starting to get a little mad as well. Chan didn't have the right to barge into his life like that and expect him to just open up.

"Tell me! What is wrong?! Why are you so scared?! Can't you just get yourself together instead of being such a coward?!" Chan continued to yell, and this time, Minho had enough.

"Well maybe nothing is wrong?! Maybe I don't want to talk about it! Maybe I just want to be a coward! Don't act like you actually care about me!" His voice cracked and tears were forming in his eyes. 

"M-Minho, that's not what i meant.. I would never-" 

"JUST LEAVE ME ALONE", Minho screamed before running up to their room and slamming the door shut. 

Tears were streaming down his face and his sobs were loud. He didn't care anymore. They had all seen him now. They had all seen him at his lowest. 

_You deserve to hurt! You deserve to die! You're just messing up their life! You raised your voice at your Hyung out there! Disrespectful._

"Just leave me alone", he cried.

He went up to the bathroom, grabbed his razor and pulled his pants down so his hips has showing. 

He put the razor on his hip and dragged it across his skin multiple times. It felt so good. He had never cut himself in the middle of a breakdown because he knew he would lose control. 

He stopped after cutting at least twelve times. 

Blood was streaming down his hips and his hip was trobbing badly.

He cleaned up and put a bandage on before hopping into his bed again.

He pulled the cover over his head and started crying again. After he left his parents, he thought he would be ok. That he would find someone who loved him and cared for him. But honestly, he had never been this broken before.

It was still moring, but he wanted nothing more than to stay under his cover and cry all day long. 

And that's what he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol I actually finished this chapter on wattpad yesterday, but I forgot to post it here... hehe..
> 
> But here it is, so I hope you "enjoy".
> 
> Btw, I don't have any specific days that I post!  
> I post whenever I feel for it thihi.  
> But I do post at least one time in the week :D


	8. Comfort?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is Minho finally getting help?  
> Or not?

Chan was in shock after what happened. He didn't think Minho would yell at him like that. 

Did he say something wrong? No, he couldn't have! He was just asking. It wasn't his fault that Minho reacted that way. 

Everyone else in the room had gone quiet. Everyone was pretty much in shock. It really wansn't usual for Minho to yell at Chan. Felix was the one to break the awkward and uncomfortable silence. "Hey Chan.. I think you should apologize to him..", he said while looking at Chan with tears in his eyes. That was the thing that broke him. The tears in _Felix's_ eyes. Not the fact that Minho had just had a full breakdown and was hurting.

"Yea.. I will", he assured Felix before walking up the stairs. He honestly didn't want to because he was more angry and mad than he was sad. _He_ was hurt over that Minho lashed out on him like that. 

He opened the door to their bedroom and saw Minho laying under his covers. He rolled his eyes a little, but softened a little when he heard sniffels. Even though he was mad, he could let it go for now. Chan walked up to him and sat himself down at the edge of the bed. 

"I'm sorry, Minho", he whispered and took off Minho's cover softly. Minho didn't even try to fight back. He wanted help, he wanted comfort, he just wanted a hug for once. 

Chan took a look at Minho's face and saw his miserable face. He looked so tired and had huge bags under his eyes. Chan would struggle with sleeping a lot and would often be tired, but never like this. 

Instead of saying more, Chan layed down beside Minho is the bed. Minho was shocked by the action, but he was ok with it. Or honestly, this is exactly what he wanted. 

They were both facing towards each other, but it was comfortable. Chan came closer and wrapped his arms around the younger boy. Minho was a little unsure about this at the start, but after some time, he got ok with it. 

Minho was now laying with his head on Chan's chest and arms wrapped around Chan's waist, while the other was holding him close and had his arms wrapped around his shoulders.

For the first time in a very long time, Minho acually felt some comfort. 'Maybe I actually am loved' he thought. His happy thoughts were soon interrupted when the other male started talking to him.

"Please answer me honestly, Minho", he started and took a little break to make sure that Minho was listening. Minho just hummed to let him know that he was.

"Are you ok?"

Minho's eyes widened. He wasn't ready to talk about this yet. 'Fuck, say something!'

"Y-yea, I'm fine", Chan looked at him unsure, but he could see the worry in his eyes. "I've just been very stressed latly and haven't gotten so much sleep" 

_Lie_.

"I know something is bothering you. You never lash out on me like that. You know you can telle me when anything right?"

"No, it's just that, nothing more. I'm sorry if I made you worry. I didn't mean to bother you"

_You really think they would be worried? please_

Chan softened at those words. He knew it was bad, but how could Minho ever think that he was bothering them? He was their everything! "Minho... Please don't say that.. You literally mean everything to us.. You could never bother us like that".

Did he actually mean much to them? Did he matter in their life?

_You know better than to belive what he's saying, Minho. He's just trying to comfort you, even though you don't deserve it._

They layed in silence for some time before they heard a loud thud.

The door opened and Changbin came running inside. "Jeongin fell down the stairs!"

Chan hurried out of the bed and ran downstairs followed by Changbin. Minho tried to get up, but he was in pain. His cuts from the day before had ripped a little when he tried to stand up, so he just stayed in the bed. Soon, another person came up to his room. Jisung.

"Hyung, why aren't you downstairs with the others?! Jeongin is in a lot of pain and really wants you to stay with him!"

"Stay with him? Is he going to the hospital?", Minho asked and suddenly got very worried for the maknae. 

"No, he's not going to the hospital", Minho felt a relief when Jisung said that. "But he's gonna have to lay on the couch today, with ice. He really wants you downstairs".

Minho hesitated, but didn't have a choice as Jisung dragged him up from the bed and tried to take him downstairs. He hissed and almost screamed out of pain, but he had to keep his mouth shut. Jisung seemed to have noticed it becuase he stopped and looked at him, worried if he did something wrong.

"I-I'm sorry! D-did I hurt you?" He asked worried. Minho just shook his head and they both walked down together. 

Jeongin looked up at Minho and smiled when he saw him coming down. He was laying on the couch with an icebag wrapped around his leg. The leg only had a little bruise on it, but still painful. Minho couldn't help but chuckle at the boy. He looked to innocent, like a six year old who had just fallen of his bike. 

"Hyuuuungg, it hurts", he whined and pouted.

Minho smiled and sat down beside him. Jeongin was kinda like a son to him. He meant so much to him and loved him with all his heart. No, he didn't really baby him, but he cared a lot about him. If anything ever happened to him, he would be meant devastated. 

"Shh, It's ok, it's just a little bruise", he assured the youngest. The others were also in the room, watching them. They had all missed this side of Minho, but they knew he would't last like this for long. They had all been talking and wanted to help him, but without hurting him in any way. Chan understood that he had taken it too far and he was full of regret. He was blaming himself for this whole thing. He was blaming himself for breaking Minho like this. Of couse he was a part of it, but he wasn't the one who started it. Chan was in a call with the manager and he was soon done with that.

"Ehmm, guys... Looks like we don't have this day off. We're supposed to go swimming for a new show"

"Really?! But this is our last day of freedom!" Hyunjin said dramatically and fell back on the couch, landing on Jeongin. 

"OW GET OFF ME, HYUNG"

Hyunjin laughed and got up again. Minho just sat on the couch fidgeting with his own fingers. He didn't want to go out. He just wanted to stay home, alone. Swimming means shorts and just a shirt. People would see how fat he was and he was scared that others would see his scars. 

"But, Hyungggg! I can't swim like this!"

"It's ok, I've talked with manager and he said it was ok for you to sit on the side. You can join another episode"

_________________________________

"Hey Hyung..?" Minho poked Chan's shoulder while they were all getting ready. "hm?", he answered without looking back. "Can I stay at home?"

Chan looked up with a sceptical look. "Why?"

"umm" What was he gonna say? He couldn't say the real reason. "I-I'm just not feeling so good".

Chan sighted and patted Minho's shoulder. "It's gonna be alright, ok? Just try".

Minho nodded and packed down his swimming clothes. Then they all got into the car and drove away.


	9. He saw?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things start to change.
> 
> Maybe for the good and maybe for the bad....

"I'm so excited! We haven't gone swimming in forever!", Jisung literally yelled from the back seat. Their manager was driving them while Chan was sitting in the passenger's seat. The rest of the boys, including Minho, was in the back. Everyone was so excited. At least almost everyone. Minho was sitting by the window, looking out. His body was trembeling and shaking, while tears were threatening to fall from his eyes. 

Changbin, who was sitting beside him, noticed that something was wrong and took the older's hand in his own. Minho was surprised by the action. He knew that Changbin was going to ask him if he was ok or something like that, so he decided to speak up before Changbin had the chance. 

"I'm fine.. just tired".

Changbin let out a sight before grabbing Minho's other hand as well. "That's okay.. just tell me if something is wrong", he assured Minho with a smile which the other returned. He nodded before looking back outside the window.

After some time, they were finally there. They all got out of the car and went inside to the locker room to get changed. 

Minho's eyes widened when they walked in. They had already been given a locker each. That meant that he had to change with them. They would be able to see him. 

But then he noticed something else as well. His locker _was_ actually a little further away. 'why is it like that?'

_Probaby so they won't have to see you. One thing is seeing you with clothes, but do you really think it's any better to see you naked?_

"Why is your locker further away from our's?" Seungmin asked him. "I don't know, but I found my name here", Minho answered and Seungmin walked away. Minho was still confused. Why couldn't he have one closer to the others? Not that he wanted to, but it kinda scared him. 

It would be way to suspicious if he went to the toilet to change, so he did it beside his locker. He hurried up and put on his swimming trunks and his _white_ shirt that he _had_ to wear. His eyes wandered around the place to see if any of his members were there, but he didn't see anyone. 'Thank god, I'm alone'

_You sure?_

Minho ignored his thoughts and took a quick shower before he walked into the swimming hall. His members were sitting at the edge of the pool and looked up when they saw Minho waddling towards them. Just when Minho was about to sit down beside them, their swimming coach came up to them. 

The cameras started when they had finally lined up beside the pool. They were gonna start off with stretching before getting in the water. Everyone was stretching very extra to try to be funny on camera. Minho was just trying to hide himself as much as possible. He couldn't make the other look bad on camera just because he was fat. That's what he told himself. 

He tried hard to smile. It was difficult but he did it. No one said anything about it. What he found even more hard, was trying not to cry when he saw the way their swimming coach looked at him. Or even more right, his body. 

After some time of stretching, they all went into the water. The first game they were doing was a relay in the water. His hip was burning so bad and all he wanted was just to go home and curl up under his cover. 

He had fully forgotten about wearing his white, now _see-through_ shirt. They were all gonna go up from the water, but Minho was stopped by Chan. "Are you hurt? You look like you're in pain", he said and they both went up to sit on the egde on the pool. "No, I'm fine", Minho just answered and went up again. He noticed that Chan was keeping an eye on him.

They finished it after about two hours and went to change back. 

Minho went back to his locker and changed back. He tried to be quick, but it took a little longer this time because his clothes were wet.

Just when he left, he noticed something on the locker that was over his. It was a _blinking light,_ coming from it. He decided to ignore it and they all went home.

He went up to his room again, ready to get back to bed. Chan was already in his bed when he walked in. As soon as Minho layed back on his bed, Chan came up beside him, cuddling him.

Then, Chan said something, something he had never imagined him to say. Something he never hoped he would say. "I saw your cuts, Minho.. ", he whispered softly. Minho froze. 

_You failed_

He had failed.

_You disappointed them_

He disappointed them.

Minho couldn't even move. All he wanted to jump into a hole and hide forever. Tears started falling down his cheeks

Chan knew he would take it like this. He hadn't told anyone else about it because he knew it wasn't right. "Why didn't you tell us? You know we would support you no matter what, right?" Of course Minho knew that, but it was still hard for him. Ha hadn't even told them about his first cute. Those he made when he still lived with his parents.

The youngest couldn't get a word out of his mouth. He wanted this, but he also didn't.

_You messed up big time, Minho. You know you can't get rid of me._

Chan just hugged the boy tighter and let him cry as much as he wanted. **(please, we all want Chan to comfort us and give us a big hug :'))** They weren't talking, but it was a comfortable silence. Minho would always find comfort with his hyung. 

"I'I'm sorry.. I-I didn't w-want to b-bother you gu-uys", Minho sobbed out and continued to cry into Chan's shoulder. The oldest was also crying now. He knew something was wrong, but he didn't know it was this bad. He just kept rubbing Minho's back and stroking his hair. 

They stayed in that position for some time, until Minho started panicking. "W-wait y-ou didn't tell t-the others, r-right?!" His breathing was getting out of control and he started hyperventilating. He tried to get away from Chan's grip, but the older just held him close to him. "Breathe with me, ok? inn... out...... inn..... out..". They continued like this for a while and Minho started calming down. 

"No, sweetie, I didn't tell anyone. I would never tell anyone without your permission"

Minho let out a sigh of relief. 'Thank god'

_I bet he has.. they're probably just waiting for the "perfect" time to show you._

"But Minho... Can you show me?". Minho gave him a confused look. 'Show him what?'

"Your scars.. those on your hip" he explained nervously while rubbing the back of his neck. Minho felt his body tense up. He knew Chan needed to see them, but he was scared. What if Chan changed his opinion about him and wanted him out of the group? What if he thought he was just a selfish attention seeker?

Instead of answering, he just rolled down his pants a little. Just so much that he could show his scars. Chan looked at them for a long time before bringing his fingers up to the scars. He stroked softly, so he wouldn't hurt him. Minho hissed a little, but it was fine.

"How long? When did you start?", Chan asked after some time. 'Should I start by telling him about my past?' Minho thought. 

_Yes, how about you tell him. Tell him about your miserable life with your family. Even they hate you. Or not hate, disgust._

"ehmm.. I cut myself for the first time about five years ago and the last time was last night..", he confessed. He felt a heavy weight fall of his shoulders. He felt so free. 

"Five years ago?! Why didn't you tell us?"

"Well, I don't really... like talking about it" he started, but felt like needed to give him a little explanation. "Let's just say, my parents weren't or aren't the best people. I'm not really ready to tell you guys everything yet..".

Chan went back to hugging the boy. 

After another hour, Chan left to buy some groceries. Minho was still laying in bed. A small smile was sticked to his face. 

*pling*

He took up his phone and went in on, still smiling. His smile faded fast when he saw the message he had received.

UNKNOWN: Great body you have, Minho:) You look so nice and cut up in these pictures. If you don't want them out in the public, meet up at the swimming hall tomorrow at 8:00 pm. Don't tell anyone or there will be consequences ;) 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EYYYYY TWO UPDATES????? 
> 
> Wrote this in class ;)


	10. Help?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can't even explain what happens here...  
> A LOT
> 
> Panic attacks..  
> Hurtful words..

Minho's eyes watered up and he started sniffling softly. The photos that were attached made him feel so small, so vulnerable. If he did something wrong, everyone would be able to see his body. The huge scars on his hip were so visible. He was getting blackmailed.

He threw away his phone and sat up, putting his knees up to his chest. His breathing was getting out of control again.

_This is all your fault! This is your fate!_

"Stop", he whispered, but not softly. He was terrified.

_Just die!_

"P-Please leave me alone"

_Die_

_Die_

_Die_

That's when he had enough. He held over his ears with his hands, trying desperately to get the voices to disappear.

"STOP IT", he screamed with his cracked voice. He was going into a full panic attack. His breath started hitching. No one was here to help him this time. He was all alone and had to get through it without any help. At least thats what he thought. 

Seungmin came rushing inside. He came running as soon as he heard Minho's _loud_ and terrifying scream. 

He walked closer to Minho while he was crying to calm down the older.

"Listen, you need to calm dow-"

"NO, GET OUT", Minho screamed back and held over his ears even harder.

Seungmin flinched at the sudden tone. It scared him a lot seeing him like this. Ruined. With his tearstained cheeks and panicking. He had never seen Minho like this ever before and he hadn't wished for that either. 

Chan had just come home from his grocery shopping. When he came inside, the first thing he heard was loud screaming coming from the floor over. It hit him almost right away that it was Minho. 

He ran upstairs and barged into the room. There he found both Minho and Seungmin. Minho still on his bed, but crying loudly while Seungmin was standing in one of the corners in the room, looking terrified. "It's ok, Seungmin, you can go. I'll handle it", he told Seungmin before walking towards Minho. "But Hyung-" "GO SEUNGMIN". He ran out of the room crying.

Chan was about to go after him because he knew he was being very harsh with him, but he knew better than that. He knew Minho needed his help much more than Seungmin did. 

"P-PLEASE JUST GO AWAY", Minho sobbed loudly. 

Chan had gone through depression earlier in his life, so he knew some things about it. But he had never experienced something _this bad_. He wasn't even sure who Minho was talking to right now. Was it him or the voices inside his head? Minho had been mumbling a lot of things recently and it wasn't good things. That's why he had been looking a lot after him lately. The incident by the table where he had rolled his eyes, wasn't really something he meant. He was just being selfish and didn't think about what he was doing. 

"Minho, it's me, Chan!" 

Minho looked up and met Chan's eyes. Minho's eyes were red and glossy. 

"C-Chan?"

"Yes, bub, it's me! I need you to calm down!"

Chan went back to the position he was in earlier and held Minho close to him.

Like earlier, Minho calmed down pretty fast.

"What happened? I thought you were okay when i left you?"

Minho was about to tell hin, but then remembered what the message said about consequences. "Uhhh.. It's nothing! I'm just scared.. of.. myself?" It wasn't a lie, but that's not what he feared the most right now. 

_You should be scared of yourself. Just look at you. You even scared Seungmin away, you freak._

"You sure there isn't something ... else?" Chan was worried. It scared him to see how hurt and fragile the poor boy was. 

Minho just nodded and Chan decided to let it go. It was wrong to force him to say anything. 

Minho woke up the next morning still being held by Chan. Chan had his arms around Minho's shoulders and kept him close to his chest. 

He tried to get out of Chan's girp so he could turn around and check the time, but Chan only held him closer. 

_He can probably feel all the fat that's on your body right now._

Minho still hadn't eaten anything in over a week. Honestly, he was surprised no one had commented it when they went swimming. 

_Of course they didn't comment it. It's not even noticeable. You still haven't lost enough._

"mhmm, good morning", Chan said in his raspy morning voice. "How did you sleep?"

It didn't hit him at the start, but this was probably the best he had slept in weeks. He always found it very hard to fall asleep and even more difficult to _stay_ asleep. 

"good. I slept really", he answered and nuzzled closer into Chan's chest. "But since I cant get up, I need you to tell me the time", Minho giggled. Chan had missed those cute giggles. **(I think we all have to agree that Minho's giggles is the most adorable thing ever).** He moved his hands to his waist. The hip bones was poking out and he could literally feel his ribs. 

"Well It's six right ...... now" he paused and waited until the clock struck six and let out a giggle as well. 

They both got out of the bed and walked down to the kitchen together. **(I'm literally writing so much Minchan right now wtf)** All the others were already sitting by the table. 

Felix made pancakes this morning, so everyone was eating that. Chan noticed that Minho wasn't eating and sat closer to him. "Aren't you eating?". Of course Chan he knew that Minho hadn't been eating, but he wanted to hear if from _him_. 

"N-No I'm not very hungry right now" Minho tried to come up with an excuse, but he knew that Chan didn't really believe him. He started fidgeting with his fingers and looked down at his lap.

"You're never hungry, huh? I know you haven't been eating anything lately"

He was doomed. There wasn't even a point of trying to fight back.

"It's ok, Minho", Chan said and went back to eating with the others as well. 

The members were now done and started leaving the table. Minho was just about to go, but Chan held his arm and sat him down on his chair again. 

"W-what are you doing?" 

"Here", he just said and gave Minho a small pancake. "You don't have to eat it up. Just try to eat a little please"

"N-no Chan.. I can't!"

He sighed "You can't because you'll throw up or because you think you're fat?"

Minho waited a few seconds to answer. "B-both", he answered after some time.

Instead of saying anything, Chan just pulled him into a soft and comforting hug. Minho felt selfish. 

_Chan's got so much more important things to do and you're making him do all this shit?_

"I wish I could let you stay home today, but we really need to get ready for our performance"

Minho had almost forgotten about the mama performance. How was he gonna survive that? He couldn't let his team down. That would be even more selfish. 

"I can tell our manager if you want? So he knows whats going on?"

Minho shaked his head quickly and tears started to for in his eyes. 'Don't cry now Minho. Not now'.

"N-NO... i mean.. please don't"

"Okay okay, I won't do it without your permission.. at least not yet... but if it gets bad, I'll have to, ok?"

**(Making a huge timeskip here becuase why not.... or just a few hours tho, but yea)**

They were about to finish their practice for the day, but had to go through it one more time. Everyone was tired, but Minho was on a different level. His legs had turned into jelly and he felt like he would collapse any time. This wasn't a good time to pass out. he needed to go out later today, so couldn't make the others worry about him.

The song came to an end and everyone fell to the floor panting. The choreographer looked over at Minho and gestured for him to follow him outside. They both sat down by a bench in the lobby.

The choreographer looked at him and gave out a long sigh. 

"What happened to you, Minho?", he asked without looking at Minho. Minho could tell he was angry. 

The boy looked at the choreographer confused, but he knew what it was about. It was about his terrible dancing.

"You used to be the best dancer! You look like a fucking sloth! If you don't get your shit together, I'll remove you as Stray Kids's main dancer!", he yelled and this time met Minho's eyes. The man's eyes were full of rage and it made Minho want to disappear.

"I-I'm sorry.. I'm just very tired and-"

"STOP MAKING EXCUSES!"

His tone made Minho flinch and he almost fell of the bench. 

"JUST PLEASE, GO! I can't look at you right now"

Minho took the hint and left. His eyes was full of tears which was threatening to fall.

He wiped his eyes and took a deep breath before walking inside the practice room again. When he got inside, he saw the members sitting on the floor talking. They all went quiet when they saw Minho walking towards them.

_They're talking about you. Probaby about how terrible your dancing is._

"There you are, Hyung!" Jeongin exclaimed. 

Everyone giggled at his childish behaviour. 'cute'

"Well, should we go home now?" Changbin asked and everyone agreed.

They all went home and as soon as they get in, Jisung ran upstairs, yelling "I'm showering first!". They had two showers. Jisung, Hyunjin, Seungmin and Jeongin shared one shower **(Not anything dirty lmao)** and Minho, Chan and Chanbin shared one. Sometimes they would shower _together,_ but that was only when they had to save water or had very bad time.

Minho was the first one to use the other shower. He washed himself quickly and checked the time. It was already 7:23. 'No no no'. He was shaking. He really didn't want to go. It was quite obvious that something bad was gonna happen when he got there. 

He hurried up and ran down the stairs. Just when he was about to open the door, he was stopped by a voice.

"Where are you going?"

He turned around and met Seungmin's eyes. "Fuck" he whispered under his breath. There was no way Seungmin was gonna let him go without an explanation. 'Thing about something'

"ohh. uhhm.. I'm just gonna drive to the park to have some time for myself, but I'll be back!"

Seungmin looked at him sternly, but eventually let him go. "Okay, but promise to be back before midnight!" Seungmin said before walking away. 

Minho hurried outside and went inside the car. He sat in the keys and drove to the swimming hall. 

He wasnt ready for what was about to come...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm literally writing in class every day now instead of actually doing work :D 
> 
> This chapter is pretty longgg, but guys! THIS IS MY THIRD UPDATE THIS WEEK WTHHHH!


	11. Please stop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minho meets up....  
> THIS CHAPTER MIGHT INCUDE SOME UNCOMFTERABLE SCENES

Minho arrived at the swimming hall 10 minutes later. His palms were sweaty and his eyes were still full of tears. 'I should have told Chan Hyung when I had the chance'. It was now all up to him and he knew there was no turning back.

Just when he was about to take up his phone, he noticed that he had forgotten it at home.

It had started raining during his ride which didn't help his mood, but he couldn't find himself to care.

He parked the car outside and stepped carefully out. The rain had stopped by now and he found himself walking closer to the hall. "Am I supposed to just walk inside?" he whispered quietly to himself.

He stood outside for some time before finally finding a little courage to walk through the door.

When he had finally come to the locker room he was greeted by a man. Not just a random man, but someone he had met before.

The swimming coach

The man went up to him which made Minho anxious. Minho kept walking backwards until his back touched the wall behind him. He was now trapped between the wall and the man. Just when he was about to try to get away, the man gripped his hand hard and Minho screamed out in pain.

"L-LET GO OF ME", he screamed, but the man only held harder **(No Minho's not weak, but the man is strong you know)**

It got even scarier when he was suddenly dragged further into the locker room and pushed against one of the lockers. "I'm not letting you go anytime soon, _Minho_ "

The coach put his hands on the waistband of Minho's sweatpants and was about to pull them down, but Minho shoved him away. **(Just gonna let you know that the swimming coach is older than Minho! He's like 30)**

Suddenly he felt a stinging pain on his cheek. He put his hand up to his cheek and looked at the man with teary eyes. The man still had his hand up after the slap.

"You're mine now, kid. You're gonna do everything I want you to!" he screamed and hit the locker right beside his head. The loud noice made Minho flinch.

He felt his sweatpants being taken off, but this time, he knew there was nothing he could do to help himself. Tears were streaming down his face and he had started sobbing. If he only had told someone before he left. Another thing he could have done was record everything that was going on and use it againt the man, but he didn't have his phone.

The next thing he felt was the man pulling off his shirt. The only thing he was wearing, was his underwear. He wanted nothing more than to go home and cuddle the others right now. Everything would have been so much better if he had just stayed at home.

The coach took off his own clothes leaving him also in just his underwear. "Follow me"

It's not like Minho had a choice since he was basically _dragged_ into where the actual pools were.

They were all alone since the swimming hall was acutally closed, but the coaches could apparently come and go whenever they wanted. BUT, the thing was, _their_ coach was the only coach that worked there.

He was dragged all the way in and was thrown into the pool. Minho could swim, but he was panicking so bad right now, that he was afraid that he would drown.

There was a huge splash beside him and he felt someone touch his legs from underwater wchich mad him freeze.

The hand slowly moved upwards and was put on his thigh. The coach came up from the water, hand still resting on his thigh. "You wanna have some fun, huh?" he asked seductively and smirked when Minho's eyes widened.

"N-no leave me alone! Let me go! HELP!"

He kneed the man in his manhood and ran out of the pool. Before he could get away, the man grabbed his hair from behind and slammed him to the ground.

"You'll regret doing that, _babyboy_ "  
  
  


________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  


Seungmin knew something was up the moment he saw Minho leaving the dorm. He never used to go on walks or hang out at the park. He hated being at the park all alone. It was raining as well.

He was now sitting on the couch with Jeongin and Hyunjin, watching a movie.

Even though he was a little worried, he decided to let it go. Nothing would probaby happen. Minho was old enough to figure things out himself.

It had now gone two hours and Minho had still not come home. Seungmin did the one thing that felt right to do. He went up to Chan's little studio and knocked on the door. Chan opened the door and let Seungmin in.

It wasn't normal for the other members to walk into Chan's studio without a reason, so Chan knew something was up. "Hey, Minnie, what's wrong?"

Seungmin thought for a while. "Do you know where Minho went?"

Chan just shaked his head. "Didn't you talk to him before he left?"

"Well.. yea... but I know he wasn't telling the truth about where he was going"

Chan tensed up as soon as he heard that. He was the one who knew the most about Minho's hard life and his thoughts immediately came to the worst. What if he was gonna try to do something. Maybe he was at a bridge?

"Minnie.. hurry up and call him fast!" he said rushing downstairs to put on his shoes, leavig Seungmin behind confused.

"Chan... Chan!... CHAN!" he tried getting his leader's attention and eventually got it after calling his name a few times.

"You're hiding something.. what aren't you telling us?"

Chan thought about telling him fast, but he didn't have time for that now. "I'll tell you later! Just PLEASE call him! We have to get to the bridge!"

Seungmin knew better than to stress him even more, so he dialed Minho's number and called.

Just when Chan was about to walk out the door, they heard Minho's ringtone coming from the kitchen. "Fuck.." chan muttered and ran inside to confirme that it _was_ his phone.

He got into the kitchen and picked up the phone. Seungmin called from the entrance and Chan was about to leave the phone when he thought. It would be wrong to go trough his bandmate's phone, but this was serious. He knew the code, so he just opened it easily.

"There's probaby nothing here-" he whispered to himself, but stopped in the middle of his sentence. The first thing that popped up, was Minho's messages.

That's when he knew where Minho was. "Oh no, Minho", he muttered again.

He ran out to the car and sat himself in the driver's seat. Seungmin was sitting beside him in the passesnger's seat.

"Change of plans", he said breathing heavily and gave Seungmin the phone which showed the message. Seungmin gasped when he read it and looked up to Chan.

_"We're going to the swimming hall"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EY I POSTED  
> I acutually posted this yesterday, but forgot to upload here as well hehe


	12. Did you?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chan and Seungmin finds Minho.. naked?
> 
> This chapter isn't so long :)

Seungmin and Chan arrived at the swimming hall fast. None of them had talked during the ride. Both of them being to nervous and scared so say a thing. As soon as they parked, both of them ran inside the building. 

Since they had been there before, they knew where everything was. They hurried up and ran into the locker room. There they were greeted by an unpleasant sight. Not Minho, but his clothes laying all over the floor. That made them worry even more. Especially considering that Minho had been gone for almost hours. 

"No no no, please don't say anything really bad happened", Chan said grabbed his hair in frustration. He ran into the actual swimming hall and looked for the boy. 

After walking all the way in, he found him. 

Minho was sitting into the wall, crying and holding his knees close to him.Chan ran and sat down in front of him, Seungmin following fast after. 

The poor boy was shaking and crying his heart out.

That's when Chan realized something else as well. The boy was completely _naked_. Chan felt rage starting to build up inside him. He wasn't mad at Minho, but the person who did this to him.

Seungmin was about to put his hand on Minho's shoulder, but stopped when they heard Minho whispering quietly and shaky. "P-please do-ont h-hurt me a-anymore"

Both Chan and Seungmin broke at Minho's words. What had happened before they came in?

"Minho, It's Chan", Chan said softly and tried to lift Minho's cheek a little up, so he could see them, but Minho flinched. This was bad. Very bad.

"Minho, sweetie, I need you to just look up at me", he said softly and luckily, Minho lifted his head. His eyes and cheeks were red from crying, but there was something else as well.. His chin had a small, but still visible, bruise. He also had one by his collarbone and on his left cheek. 

"Minho... what happened?" Seungmin asked, but Minho just started to sob again.

"H-he", Minho's voice was shaky. He tried to tell them, but nothing came out.

Chan was now full of rage, but he held it inside himself so he wouldn't scare the boy even more. 

"Shhh.. You don't have to tell us right now.. let's wait until we get home huh?", Chan said softly while stroking Minho's cheek softly.

"N-no! I can't go h-home! W-What if t-they see me-e?"

Both of the boys understood what Minho ment. He didn't want the other members finding out about this. Obviously they would have to tell them later because this was bad, but this was not the time. Minho needed to calm down first.

"That's ok, honey.. They won't find out"

Seungmin studied Minho's body. **(NO not in like a harmful way, but he was checking him for injuries!)** He could see some bruises, but there was something that was worrying him even more. He was so skinny. You could see his bones poke out of his body. They really needed to have a long talk with Minho, but not now.

Minho tried to stand up, but his body was in so much pain that he just broke down. "I-I'm sorry", ha said quietly and looked down at his feet, ashamed. 

"Do you want me to carry you?", Chan suggested, but Minho hesitated a little. "I'm probably too heavy", he mumbled for only Chan to hear. Chan just picked him up and started walking out. Minho found it a little awkward and weird considering the fact that he was completely naked, but chan couldn't care less. He carried him all the way to the locker room and sat him down on a bench.

"Let's put your clothes back on"

Minho really appreciated how softly Chan was talking to him, but he was mostly ashamed. He didn't want his members to see him like this. He was _disgusting_. Why did they even care?

Chan helped him put on his pants, but he got everything else on himself. 

It was nice to see how they cared for him, but did he really deserve this? He brought thsi upon himself. If he had just noticed the camera, none of this would have happened.

Chan carried him to the car and put him in the passenger's seat. They drove home safely. Even though the ride was quiet and no one were talking, Minho found it comforting.

Now was the hard part. How could they get Minho inside, without anyone noticing it. It was pretty late by now, but all the members used to stay up till pretty late. 

They ended up just taking him quietly up to his room and when Hyunjin aksed where Minho had been, Seungmin just told them that he was ok and would talk to them later. He didn't to worry the others and then not tell them, so he just told them that everything was fine.

Of course the others just brushed it off and Seungmin walked up to Minho's and Chan's room. 

Poor Minho was just laying in the bed, still shaking and eyes still glossy. 

"Ok Minho.. I'm not gonna make you tell me what happened, but do you mind if I ask some questions?", Chan said calmly and stroked Minho's hair softly.

Minho just shaked his head. He knew he needed to tell them what happened and answering questions are a lot easier than telling.

"Listen so we know about the messages.. and honestly... I just wanna get right to it.... D-did you get.. raped?" Chan asked as tears filled his eyes.

Minho knew he would ask about something like that, but that wasn't exactly what happened. "No... I didn't get.. raped? But.. h-he touched me.. inappropriately.. and hurt me"

Tears started dripping from all of the boys's eyes. 

"I think we should have a good conversation about this.. and I think this is the best time to have it.." Seungmin said and Chan nodded.

Minho sighed and started talking.

This would be a _long_ night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh I'm sorry for not posting all the time, but i actually have a life lmaoo


	13. Explained

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minho spills his secrets and his past.
> 
> What do they think about i

The three boys were on Minho's bed. This conversation was important for them to have. Even though they should be having the conversation with all of the members, they figured it was gonna be easier for Minho to open if only they were there.

Minho was sitting into the wall and his legs crossed while he was fidgeting with his fingers. The two other boys were sitting in front of him.

"Sooo... could you start off by telling us where this all began?", Chan suggested and finally met Minho's eyes. 

Minho wanted more than anything to tell them, but he was _ashamed_. He felt _disgusting_. Why should he tell them and bother them with his own _stupid_ thoughts and actions?

Seungmin intertwined their hand's which made Minho relax. "Well.. It.. uhmm.. uhh.."

"It's okay Minho, you're safe here. You can tell us anything"

He took a deep breath before finally starting to talk.

"Umm.. Well I have always been a little insecure.. about.. myself? My parents didn't really treat me so good.. My dad would hit me and really hurt me.... and my mom.. she would call me out for everything I did.. never forgetting to remind me how worthless I am .."

Tears were falling down his cheeks and he started to sob a little. Chan's and Seungmin's eyes softened at the sight and the things they were told. Minho had never told them his childhood story. They had never expected it to be this bad. A tear fell down from Seungmin's eye.

Minho continued.

"I-I haven't really told you guys this yet, since I wasn't sure what you would think about it, but... I'm bisexual as well.. but if you're not comfortable with it, I can change! I mean, that's what I've done my whole life!" His voice was a little shaky. 

Seungmin held Minho's eyes tighter and tears continued to flow down. "O-Of course you're allowed to be b-bisexual! You're allowed to like whoever you want, Minho.. did you really think we wouldn't accept you?", Seungmin exclaimed while sobbing. Minho started to sob louder and just nodded. 

Tears were visible in Chan's eyes as well, but he kept them there. He needed to stay strong for him. Chan was Minho's only Hyung, so he felt very responsible for taking good care of him. **(*cough* *cough* good care.. yeah you took very good care of him earlier Chan smh)**

"Well.. they hated me.. they h-hated me so much! So that lead to doing.. something. Something I should never have done, but I couldn't resist it."

The oldest looked at Minho with wide eyes. It wasn't what he was thinking, right? 

"at the age of sixteen, I had started.. uh.. c-cutting myseLF", he broke into a loud sob which made his voice crack. 

Both Chan and Seungmin wasted no time and gave the crying boy a big hug. 

"oh my god, Minho... how could they, your parents, ever do something like that to their own son?" 

Minho shuddered at the thought of his parents. It was a memory he wanted to forget, but it felt good to finally be able to tell someone.

"And I know I didn't really apologize for Jeongin, but.. I was just scared.. I didn't want you to hate me like my parents did. You have all rights to be mad at me, just please.. p-please don't hate me"

Chan finally let a tear drop. "So everything started again after that day?". Minho nodded and Chan started apologizing. "Minho, I'm so sorry for ever making you feel like that. You're everything to us. I promise you. You mean everything to us and we could NEVER hate you. Jisung's been crying himself to sleep because he's worried about you. He never meant to flinch that one time. He's been feeling so guilty and it's breaking him. All we want is for you to be happy. We love you so much. We're not mad.. just.. please.. please come to us next time, instead of dealing with this all by yourself".

Everyone was crying by now. Loud sobs were heard in the whole room. Seungmin dragged Minho's hand softly to him and felt his arm. It was like touching a stick. "Minho.. you're so underweight.. why haven't you been eating anything? If you continue not eating.. you know you can.. umm.. you know?" Seungmin didn't want to continue his sentence and of course the others knew what he was talking about. Getting an eating disorder was never his plan, but thats how it turned out. 

"Because I'm fat. W-what other reason could it be? That's what he's telling me"

"Who?"

"The voice inside my head.. " **(break free from the voices in my head! sorry)**

It felt so good to finally tell them his thoughts. He felt the weight fall off from his shoulders. He wouldn't have to deal with all this shit alone.

No one was talking, but the silence was comforting. It felt good. 

"I promise we're gonna help you through this, but I have a question for you" Chan said and Minho hummed in response. "Have you ever considered maybe seeing a therapist? I'm not gonna force you to go, but I think that would be really good"

Minho hadn't really thought about therapy before. It might be good for him, but then we would have to tell a stranger about everything. It was hard enough to tell Chan and Seungmin. How was he gonna be able to tell anyone he didn't even know?

"You don't have to answer it right now, ok? Take some time to decide", Seungmin hurried and said when he noticed Minho hesitating. 

There was another silence, but this one was broke by Minho. "ummm, are you guys gonna tell the others about.. ehh.. this?"

Chan chuckled softly. "We're not gonna tell anyone if you don't want us to".

Did he want to? Yes. He didn't want to make it seem like he trusten Seungmin and Chan more than the others. He wanted all of them to know how much he trusted them. "C-could you tell them? I don't want to tell them myself, but I want them to know.. They deserve to know my past. I know I've hurt them a lot, so I want them to know why.. please"

It surprised the two others a little, but they understood. That was ok. 

"hmm, ok, I can tell them for you.. do you want to at least be there?", Chan said which made Minho lighten up a little. Yeah, he wanted to be there.

"Yeah, I would like that"

Chan went up to him again and hugged him, while Seungmin still sat across the bed.

"We'll figure this whole thing out together, ok?" Chan whispered into Minho's ear and the younger started to blush a little before giving a small nod and smiling softly. 

"Thank you so much for understanding.. I really appreciate it"

"No problem, Minmin, we love you so much"


	14. Love you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lot of Minchan because I'm soft for them hehe <333

Seungmin had left the room which left Chan and Minho alone. They were both laying on the bed.

Minho was all cuddled up into Chan and had his head resting on the older's chest. 

"You have to eat, Minho", Chan suddely said.

_No, you don't_

"I can't"

"Why not?"

sigh

"Because they're telling me not to", he spilled out, not having to worry about keeping it to himself anymore.

"mmhm.. stay here", the older said before walking out of the room, leaving Minho confused. He stayed like Chan had told him to to and waited patiently for him to come back.

After about seven minutes, Chan came back. With a plate in his hands, but Minho couldn't see what was on the plate. 

"Here", he just said and sat down the plate beside Minho. 

_Bread with nutella and some fruits._

Minho looked up at Chan and shook his head. There was no way he could eat that! Nutella? Nutella used to be Minho's favorite thing to put on his bread. _Used to be._ Why was Chan trying to get him to eat that? It would make him gain too much weight. 

"Minho, plese.. you don't have to eat it all just.. just please.. try to eat a little"

"Chan Hyung.. I-I can't!" his breathing started getting out of control.

"hey hey, look at me... there.... it's ok.. just breath with me, ok? In.. out... in.. out" Chan was here to help him. 

The little panic attack didn't last for so long. Chan helped him trough it all. When he finally had calmed down, Chan pulled the boy into a comforting hug and let the boy's tears fall.

"You know, it hurts seeing you like this"

Minho didn't answer and let Chan do the talking.

"You used to be so happy before. So full of energy. I miss that side of you so much. I miss seeing you tease the others and joke around. I'm sorry for not being a good Hyung for you and you have all rights to be disappointed in me. I regret doing everything and I should have taken better care of you. If I had j-just", Chan let out a sob. Minho was just listening. What Chan did was wrong, but this whole thing wasn't his fault. He continued after taking a deep breath. "I-if I had just asked you.. I could have asked if you were okay.. I'm so sorry for being such a terrible leader and brother. And I'm really sorry for letting you down"

Chan was the type of person to always take the blame. Whenever someone was hurt or crying he would always find a way to blame himself. His biggest fear was losing the people he loves. 

"Hyung.. it's not your fault. Yes, I was hurt when you guys ignored me and stuff, but what happened in my past isn't. But please.. instead of blaming yourself, can you help me?" 

"Of course I'll help you. We'll get through this together, ok? You're not alone anymore Minho. We're gonna take down the person who controls you and get you back to the happy Minho you used to be. We'll see about the mama performance later", Chan said and placed Minho's hand in his, and softly rubbing his palm.

Minho had totally forgotten about that. They had a performance in just like two weeks! **(Yeah I changed it)**

"Are you ready to take a bite, huh?"

It had to happen. There was no way to get out of this situation.

Just by looking at it, Minho started feeling nauseous. 

"You can start with the fruits if you want"

Even though he knew it wasn't gonna get down his throat, he still tried. He took up an apple slice and put in in his mouth. It wasn't as bad as he thought it was gonna be. He ate up all five apple slices pretty fast. 

Chan was just sitting there beside him, watching him with a smile. He was so proud of his bandmate. When all the apples were gone, he looked up at Minho to see of he had any reaction, but was met with a smile. 

"I ate them all!" He exclaimed happily and turned to face Chan fully.

"I'm so proud of you!"

Did he really do this? Tears filled Minho's eyes. The older noticed and immediately got into panic mode. "What's wrong? Do you feel sick?"

A chuckle came from the others mouth. "No.. I'm just happy!"

"Do you think you're able to eat the bread as well? You don't have to eat it all"

*sigh*

"I can try.. at least?"

Minho took up the bread and held it in front of his mouth. He took a bite. If there was one thing he didn't want to do, it would be to disappoint Chan, so he took a _big_ bite. The nutella made a sticky feeling in his mouth, but he swallowed it after some time. This one didn't go as well. He knew this wasn't gonna end well as soon as he felt the uncomfortable feeling in his throat. 

Before Chan could ask if he was ok, Minho ran out of the room and into the bathroom. He leaned over the toilet and waited. The feeling was terrible. The leader followed after and sat down beside him, rubbing his back. After a few rubs, Minho finally let it out. Everything he had eaten, came right out again. He whimpered in pain while tears streamed down his face.

"shhh.. it's ok Minho", Chan continued rubbing his back while whispering sweet and comforting words. "You did good"

When Minho was done, he fell back into Chan's arms. The older put him between his legs and let his back fall against his chest. Instead of rubbing on his back, he started rubbing Minho's tummy, knowing that the younger loved it. Minho hummed lightly and leaned back into Chan's touch. 

"M' sorry", he whispered softly. 

"Why are you sorry, sweetheart?", Chan said with a calm, but worried tone.

Before Minho could even answer, Chan picked him up. He walked over to the bed with Minho and put him down there. "I'm gonna get you some water", he said before leaving Minho in the room again.

Chan walked down the stairs and went into the kitchen. He took out a cup from the shelf and started filling it up with water. Then he felt a soft tap on his shoulder. It was Hyunjin. Chan turned off the water and met Hyunjin's soft and beautiful eyes. **(God I miss him so much)**.

"Is Minho ok?", he suddenly asked which made the older a little shocked.

"Honestly.. no", he confessed, knowing it was no point of lying anymore. Minho obviously needed help. 

Chan continued so he wouldn't worry Hyunjin even more.

"He's had a rough past and I think he's going through som kind of depression right now.. he's not eating"

Hyunjin's eyes filled with tears as he listened to his hyung. "W-What?".

"I promise to tell you all later, ok? I need to go back to Minho now"

Hyunjin nodded and let Chan go back upstairs with the water.

"Hey, sweetie, here's your water" He put the cup on the table beside the bed. Minho took it right up and drank it all. 

"Thank you, Hyung, for taking care of me"

Chan smiled. "There's no need to thank me. I would literally do anything for you, ok? I love you so much", he said before laying down beside Minho, pulling the boy closer.

"I love you too, Chan Hyung", Minho mumbeled with a smile before finally falling alseep in his hyung's arms.


	15. Telling them

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minho is finally ready to let everyone know.

Minho woke up the next morning still laying in Chan's arms. The oldest was stroking his hair softly, waiting for the other to wake up. Because of some problems at the dance studio, they were allowed to take the day off.

"mmm.. Chan Hyung..", he mumbeled into Chan's chest, still being sleepy.

Chan chucked lightly and pulled the boy closer. "Good morning, baby"

Minho smiled at the petname. He loved getting called those kind of stuff. It made him feel loved. His parents never gave him petnames like that. They would only use words like _brat_ , _ugly_ , _worthless_ and _annoying_. After he had told Chan about everything, he started using sweet names to make him comfortable. 

"How's your body feeling today? You feeling better?" Chan asked and kissed the other's forhead. 

To be honest, Minho's body wasn't doing so well. He was weak, buised and just in pain. There was no point of lying. "It's hurting". That's all he said, knowing Chan would understand.

"We need to get out of bed, Minho.. We can go downstair and cuddle on the couch if you want, but we have to go down to the others"

*sigh*

"Mhmm", he mumbeled and was about to go back to dream-land, but was suddely picked up.

"Let's go!", Chan said and carried out a giggeling Minho.

They made it downstairs safely and Chan sat down the weak boy on their couch. Changbin and Jisung were sitting on the other side of the couch, laughing about who knows what. While Seungmin, jeongin, Felix and Hyunjin was sitting by the dining table, eating something. Seungmin gave the two oldest a big smile when they came down together.

Chan sat down beside Minho and whispered in his ear. "Do you want to tell them now or should we try to eat first, huh?" 

Minho hesitated. He should tell them now, but they were probaby hungry and he didn't want him to starve either.

"Minho, look at me.. I think it will be the best to tell them now, before we eat, but it's all up to you", he continued when Minho didn't answer. 

"..ok"

Chan gave him a big smile and gave him a little hug. "I'll tell them to come, ok?" Minho just nodded while looking down at his feet.

Instead of yelling out for everyone to come, he made eye contact with Changbin and asked him to gather everyone. 

They all came to the living room and sat down on the couch. **(Yes, the couch is like VERY big, ok)**

"What's going on, Hyung?", Jeongin asked Chan with confusion spread all over his face. The same expression on everyone's face.

"Ok, so.. I know you've all been wondering about Minho lately, so I talked to him yesterday and he agreed to tell you all", he started explaining. "I'm not gonna go fully into details, but I'll tell you as much as you need to know. Minho's past hasn't been the best", he explained. Everyone was looking at Minho which made him a little uncomfortable. He didn't want all this attention. Chan could tell he was uncomfortable, so he took his hand and intertwined their fingers. When he felt Minho starting to relax, he continued. "His relationship with his parents was terrible. They used to call him terrible things and some times, even beat him up". 

Everyone was shooked at this. Why didn't Minho tell them this.

"But it didn't stop there. He started.... c-cutting at the age of sixteen", Chan let a tear slip out of his eye, but wiped it away as soon as he felt it slide down his cheek. He needed to stay strong.

"And I don't really.. know.. if I'm allowed to say that..he's..", he stuttered and looked at Minho for answer. Minho nodded and kept his head down. 

"Well.. Minho's bisexual and if any of you have a problem with that, then you're free to leave" he said sternly and looked deep into all the members's eyes. 

"Of course we're ok with that! Felix literally came out as bi like a year ago", Jisung exclaimed. 

That was right. Felix came out to them as bisexual a year ago. But it felt different to Minho. He still didn't feel like they would accept him. Everyone loves Felix and would probably accept him no matter what.

Minho saw Chan struggeling to find a good explanation and decided to help him out. "Well, I don't really know.. Of course you guys would accept Felix. Everyone loves Felix. But my parents always used to tell be how worthless I was for being liking boys, so I was scared. I-I'm sorry for not trusting you guys. I'm too selfish and I-" Before be could say anything else, Changbin hugged him. Tears fell down onto Changbin's shoulder. 

"Please don't say that, Minho, we love you no matter what", he whispered into Minho's ear, sobbing.

"That's not all either", Chan said and Changbin pulled away and wiped a tear off Minho's cheek. 

"He's really struggling.. with like.. eating and.. doing.. yeah." 

Everyone looked at him. Pity was shown in their eyes. "So like.. when was the last time _he_ ate?" Felix asked, tears visible in his eyes. 

It kind of hurt, how they talked about him like he wasn't there himself. So instead of letting Chan talk, he wanted to tell them himself. 

"Well I haven't eaten A LOT in probaby like three weeks, but I stopped eating completely about a week ago" he admitted. It was out. There was no turning back now. He looked down to the ground on shame, thinking everyone would hate him or call him selfish. 

"He ate an apple yesterday, but it came right up again after he tried eating bread. Me and Seungmin talked to him yesterday about maybe considering therapy", he looked over to Minho. "Have you thought more about it?", he asked and Minho just nodded. Way too ashamed to lift his head. "You want to at least try it?". Minho nodded which made Chan crack a little smile. 

"Do you want to tell them about what happened ye-" "No, please don't", Minho cut Chan off. He didn't want the other members finding out about it. 

Of course the others wanted to know what it was about, but they accepted that Minho wanted to keep it private. 

After a long silence, Hyunjin decided to break it. "So, what are we gonna do about our performance?" he asked.

"I'm gonna talk to our manager and see what we can do, ok? We will still do it Hyunjin, so don't worry", Chan said and clapped Hyunjin's back. He knew that the dancer was excited for it and really wanted to show it for stays. He had worked so hard. There was no way he could just give it up! 

"But it's important that we put our health first", Chan said again and everyone nodded. 

Seungmin walked over to where Minho was sitting and gave him a big huh which the older happily accepted. Soon everyone was hugging the boy. All of them were crying and apologizing non stop. "guys, it's really ok!" It was a lie. "I just don't want to.. you know.. Just.. please.. please save me before it's too late"

They hugged for a long time. None of them wanting to let go. They were worried about him. Worried about his health. 

It was about 2:30 when they were completely done talking, and hugging of course. 

Minho was thankful. He was thankful for his members even _trying_ to _fix_ him. He was broken and there was no way to get him back. 

**Author's Note:**

> Oooo what do you think will happen next?   
> I don’t really have any special days that I post, but I will try to post one chapter ever week :)  
> Keyword: try 😅  
> Follow me on Instagram: @minhostraykid


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